I don’t want you to think any less of me, but I’m a coward.
I’m a coward because instead of just being honest – I stay silent in my fear, worry, and doubts about you.
I’m so afraid of you, but not like I’m scared of you.
I’m afraid of how safe I feel when I’m with you.
I’m afraid of how empty I feel when I’m not with you.
I want you to know that you changed my life forever.
No matter what the future holds, I want you to know that.
I want you to know how much you mean to me.
It’s taken me awhile to get here. To write this down, but I’m my best when I put it into words how I feel. When I put pen to paper. I don’t really know how to explain it, but it just is. I feel like I’m being selfish. I want so much from you and I don’t really think that’s fair. I feel like we are in two different places in our lives. I don’t think it’s right for me to ask you to be this man that I want because I don’t know where your heads at. Maybe if I did, it would be one thing. But, I feel like I need to get over you.
The only reason why I think it’s best is because I never did.
We ended things the last time as quickly as they had started, but really I just kept trying to fill a void that you left in my heart.
But I couldn’t, and I tried.
I really tried and now I don’t know what to do.
I have all these memories and flashbacks that are constantly racing through my mind.
My skin gets hot, chills go up and down my spine and I am left completely at will to my own vulnerability.
I keep these words and thoughts close to my heart. I never want to be afraid to say I love you, but like I said I’m a coward.
Everything about you feels right in my head and more importantly in my heart, but sometimes we’re wrong.
I’ve never wanted to be so wrong before in my life, but I can’t make you see me.
I really tried.
I can’t make you love me, and I can’t make you believe that I’m good enough for you.
You’ve never been a coward.
You’ve always been so sure, strong and brilliant.
Maybe one day, I’ll tell you.
I’ll write soon.
Photography By: https://www.arnoldfarmerphoto.com/
I woke up this morning thinking about you.
Which isn’t anything new, but it feels different.
Good and different.
We’re at a place now where I can actually enjoy every inch that makes you – you.
I love that.
The feeling I get when you pull me in.
The feeling I get when my cheeks start to hurt because I can’t stop smiling or I can’t stop laughing.
Because well you, you make me laugh.
You make me smile.
You make me get weak in the knees.
You make my heart sing short sweet lullabies while I’m making copies at work,
or riding around in my car with all four windows down and the wind striking my hair.
It’s like the feeling you get when you can finally be yourself.
You’re at peace with who you are and how it makes you feel.
I don’t really know how to explain it, but you just know.
I still get nervous when I’m standing on the steps outside of your house.
I still primp my curls, or realign my eye-shadow perfectly hoping that you might notice.
The things we do when we’re in love.
It’s crazy even just typing that.
I’ve never felt like this before.
And what's crazy is that I don’t want it to ever go away.
When you kiss me it’s like everything else just stops.
I can stay in that moment forever.
A coworker of mine told me today that her ex has cancer.
She was extremely taken aback but he said something resonating to her, “If you still love him (another ex), you should tell him.”
Why did that resonate with me?
I think it’s because I’m so afraid of telling you but I wanted to be honest.
It wasn’t really about whether or not you felt the same, it was about speaking up for the first time.
Allowing myself to be completely vulnerable to you, which is what I do only in my mind.
I think I’m ready to tell you and I will I promise.
Photography By: https://www.jealldayshoots.com/
I never meant to get tangled up in your web.
And yet, I find myself here.
Twisting and turning, trying to stretch my arms.
Trying to escape being seen as only your prey.
I’ve been caught though.
There’s no way for me to crawl out or break free.
I succumb to your very essence every single time.
I fall at your feet.
I want to hold you so tightly but I can’t outstretch my arms.
You capture me.
You send me to a place in my mind that only you have uncovered.
You fill me with complete desire, lust, infatuation and readiness for what it is that you hold in store.
I want it.
I want it so bad that I can almost taste it.
You’re always there.
Right on the tip of my tongue.
Always suffocating me in your love when we make love.
When we touch.
When we kiss.
When you slowly grip my hands as I fall into your sheets.
When you claw your nails into the small center of my back.
I feel you everywhere.
I see you in everything.
I never meant to get entangled in your sticky web.
Yet I hold onto your thread steadily.
The idea of you and me is like a riptide, the waves crashing into the sand on the beach.
It’s as if I’m here, standing on the ledge,
looking outward at the bright sky and city lights.
I’m in this moment.
It's just you and me.
Me and you.
I’m all in.
Because no matter what I do,
It always comes back to you.
Maybe I was always meant to be dangling in your web,
because I never wanted to crawl out or break free.
I never wanted to stretch my arms.
I always wanted you to capture me.
So now that you’ve caught me,
Now that you've captured me,
What are you going to do with me?
Photography By: @mindofkhalil
Did you know that you are that somebody.
You are the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the very last thought on my mind when I fall asleep.
It’s exceedingly tragic.
Tragic that I haven’t told you how I feel about you.
Tragic that I anticipate your rejection.
Tragic that it has now become one of my worst fears.
I’ve never felt like this before
And I've never done this before, so bare with me.
You are that somebody.
You are a strong man with such a big heart.
Sometimes the love, generosity, and compassion that you show to me and to those around you is overwhelming.
It’s overwhelming to see how much I admire who you are as an individual.
It's overwhelming because I just want to give it all right back to you.
I said to you the other day that you should be proud of yourself and I meant it.
You said you wanted to do something and you did it.
and integrity are some of the many reasons I admire you.
You are that somebody.
You’ve always put yourself in a position to reach success.
I respect that.
I respect you because of how much you’ve grown.
How you set a plan in motion and executed it perfectly and modestly.
How you always look so cool so effortlessly.
How much you’ve molded yourself into a man that any woman can be proud of.
You are that somebody.
Because you inspire me everyday.
I hadn’t written anything I could be proud of in over a year, and then you came pummeling back into my life and it’s as if suddenly my life had meaning again.
I had purpose.
You give me purpose.
You inspire me to say the words I’ve never had the courage to say aloud.
You inspire me to follow my dreams, wherever they take me.
You inspire me because you’ve never been afraid to be anything but exactly who you are.
To me and for me, you will always be that somebody.
Photography By: https://www.mfentography.com/
Why is it that we can share these incredible moments together and then we both fall silent?
We both don’t say anything.
We both watch each other instagram stories barely, maybe a glance at your page here and there but not really.
Lately, I just feel so disconnected.
I’m starting this new chapter of my life that I so desperately want you to be a part of.
But what if you want no parts?
Have you ever thought about it like that?
From the other person's perspective?
Maybe these amazing and incredible moments are just that, moments only for me.
Maybe your perspective is entirely different and I’m just another girl in the stack.
I don’t want to be another girl for you.
How do I stand out?
How do I get you?
But then I say to myself, “Amanda stop.”
I know I am more than enough and I know what I deserve.
But does that mean I don’t get what I want?
Because what I want is us.
I want this.
You and me.
Me and you.
I know that I don’t want to see anybody else because ultimately they just don’t measure up to the man that you are to me.
The man that you have become to me.
I hate admitting this.
It makes me feel powerless, defenseless, and useless.
Like I don’t have any control.
No control over my emotions,
Over the situation,
Because truth be told: I can’t make you see me.
I can’t make you love me.
I can’t make you think I’m worthy.
So what do I do now?
Moments with you used to seem so perfect that I felt like I could handle it just being that – moments.
But now, I want more.
So what do I do now?
Do I tell you?
Maybe I’ll finally get the answer I’ve been looking for.
I wish God could send me a sign on what it is that I should do with you.
To tell you the truth.
Photography By: https://drecorrea.myportfolio.com/
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