I'm not really in the mood for a greeting, I'll just get right to it.
It’s a constant game of who can care less.
I've always sucked at poker so you can imagine what my poker face looks like.
But I guess the joke is on me, because I care.
Your poker face is flawless, completely sealed shut.
And you know I care, and I don’t know jack-shit about how you feel.
You treat me exactly the way I want to be treated when we’re together,
but I don’t know how you act when I’m not around.
I don’t know who occupies your attention or the deepest parts of your mind.
And that makes me feel insecure.
Why does that make me feel insecure?
I guess that’s part of the allure and my attraction to you.
I can’t read you.
Most guys are easy.
Easy to read.
Easy to please.
Easy to manipulate, as harsh as that sounds but not you.
You always keep me on the edge of my seat,
you always keep me on the tip of my tippy-toes.
You always know how to surprise me, and yet I still don’t feel like it’s enough.
I still don't feel like I am enough.
I don't like that feeling and more importantly I don't need that feeling.
When we go days without speaking I can’t help but wonder why it feels so comfortable.
Why I don’t just speak first.
It’s like suddenly I can’t move.
My body becomes paralyzed.
From the traces throughout my fingertips all the way
down to the bottom surface of my feet.
Suddenly I have nothing to say.
My mouth won't open.
My fingers won't type.
I’m already vulnerable to my own thoughts, ideas, and infatuation towards you.
So what exactly is there to say?
I’m just not ready.
I’m not ready to open up.
I’m not ready to speak first.
I’m just not, and I don’t know why.
Maybe it’s because we have become closer than we were before,
but it’s still a constant game of who can care less.
Now I don't have a poker face, because you already know all my tells.
But the joke is still on me because I care.
I’ve always cared.
Your poker face is still flawless, completely sealed by the creases of your lips.
Yup, you know I care
and yet I still don’t know jack-shit about how you feel.
So what exactly is there to say?
And what exactly should I say?
Photography By: @mindofkhalil
How are you?
Did you sleep well?
Were you able to accomplish what you wanted to, today?
Did you know that you are the first thought on my mind when I get up each morning and
you are the very last thought on my mind before I rest my eyes?
Did you know how much I can't help but bring your name up in conversation?
Even when I don't want to or especially when I'm not trying to.
Did you know how much you make me smile from cheek to cheek?
Did you know how much you make me laugh to the point where I can't stop smiling
and my face becomes as red as the guy on the Hawaiian Punch logo?
Did you know that I cry a lot about you?
Because I can't make sense of who we are to each other.
Because even though I love each moment we spend together, I always want more.
Can you tell that I want more?
Can't you tell?
Do you see how much I want to be yours?
Why do I feel like you push me away just to pull me right back in again?
Why do I feel like you play games when all you want is the same things that I want?
Why can't we be what we need for each other and to each other?
Don't you want that?
Don't you want someone who is always in your corner?
Don't you want someone who's going to love you even when you're in a shitty mood
or you've had a shitty day and all you want is to be left alone?
Don't you want someone who just wants to see you happy?
Don't you want someone who wants you to spend as much time with your boys and your family as you need too?
Don't you want someone who doesn't mind watching you work, play video games,
or someone who loves to watch you in rare form proceed to silly dance to your favorite songs in your kitchen?
Don't you want someone who is going to know when to give you the right amount of space to heal and to grow?
Don't you want someone who wants to rub your back and play with the baby hairs on the back of your neck until you fall asleep?
Don't you want me?
Well I guess I know you want parts of me.
But don't you want all of me?
Don't you love me?
Because there hasn't been a moment in my life where I haven't loved every part of you
since the first day that I met you.
Don't we owe it to each other to at least try and see where this goes?
It's times like these where I don't know whether I should pull you in closer or drift farther away.
Because we both don't say anything,
but I feel like we both want too.
Honestly, it doesn't matter if we end up together.
I just wanted you to know - there's someone who loves you.
Someone who misses you as soon as you are away.
Someone who adores each freckle on your skin.
Someone who fell in love with you because you are a teacher,
and a guide.
Because you guided me back home.
Back to a familiar place of endless love, affection and desire.
You guided me to a love that I thought was only real in my parents or in the movies.
You guided me and led me to a life that I didn't know I could experience.
You led me to a life that I knew I could finally share.
Share with that someone.
Through and through.
Cheek to cheek.
Ear to ear.
To when our hands meet.
To when your lips gently reach mine.
You lead me to a love that I know I deserve.
You led me right back to you.
Photography By: @4chrissimon
Hey, it's me
I enjoy writing these letters to you.
At first I thought to myself, “Amanda this is a little creepy”
but then I realized that this was exactly what I needed.
I needed to write out all of my feelings about you in order to make sense of it.
To make sense of what it is I feel about you and
more importantly what it is that I want from you.
I’ve had two friends on two separate occasions (Valerie and Alex) ask me what it is that I love about you.
Just hearing the words come out of my mouth don’t even do you justice.
I begin to describe you and suddenly I start smiling from cheek to cheek,
or laughing about a time where you let me tell a really corny joke and
you just look at me with a blank stare,
or reminiscing on a time where we just talked for over an hour at your kitchen table
– it’s every moment that I’m with you.
It's when you kiss me.
When you slowly grip my thighs.
It's when you pull me in.
It's when you start to kiss me on my neck delicately and softly.
It's when you caress your fingers up and down the rest of my body.
Yet, I’m so scared of you though.
Like terrified in the sense of just everything that is you.
You terrify me because of how safe that I feel when I’m with you.
It terrifies me that the very second you leave, I just feel useless and empty – like the best part of myself is missing.
It terrifies me that you can grip my hand in my car and suddenly it’s as if the world is a little quieter and peaceful.
I can watch you nod off after you’ve had an extremely long day and suddenly it’s as if nothing else matters.
I just want you to let me all the way in.
Into your mind,
into your heart,
into every inch of your body.
I want it.
I want it all.
And I want it all with you.
Photography By: Teck
Hey again, it's me.
Lately I’ve been doing things a little bit differently.
It’s kinda crazy because I feel like we’re at a place where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
What ever that light might be, who knows.
We’re kickin’ it.
We’re getting to know each other all over again.
I must admit, it’s quite nice.
The early stages of anything are always fun, but right now it just seems like second chances.
A second chance to do things outside of what we’re both used to.
A second chance to really love you like I want too.
A second chance to fall in love with you all over again.
Those are my chances now.
It’s kinda crazy because I feel like we’re at a place that’s unfamiliar territory – to both of us.
You want to know what I’m thinking and how I’m feeling and
I’m dying to know what you are thinking and feeling about all of this.
I wonder if the stars will align for us.
Sometimes we get close to saying what our true intentions are or what we mean, but then we don’t.
The last time I opened myself up to you, I got crushed.
So pardon my hesitancy and resistance.
I want to pull you in closer.
I want to let you in.
But I don’t want to scare you off again.
I’ve never been here before.
In this place in my head and in my heart.
It’s all unfamiliar.
But maybe this is our second chance.
A second chance to do things a little bit differently, are we gonna take it?
I guess only time will tell.
Photography By: https://www.jealldayshoots.com/
Hello again my dear friend,
I have some questions.
Questions for you.
Questions for me.
Maybe you can help me,
And maybe I can help you.
If the world ended tomorrow, do you know who you would want standing next to you?
And if all of your dreams came true, do you know who you would want by your side?
A part of me knows that it’s you.
It’s always been you.
The piece of me that I knew I was missing.
The piece of me that I felt was missing.
The piece that finally makes me feel whole again,
and when I’m not with you – I can feel the empty spaces of where you are supposed to be all around me.
Some people change you.
Some people mold you.
Some people love you.
Some people hurt you.
Some people leave you.
Some people heal you.
But there are only specific people that you come across once in your lifetime that leave their mark.
As Natasha Bedingfield would say, “My skin is like a map of where my heart has been.”
And yes, he left his paw-print right in the center of my chest.
It cannot be removed.
It cannot be erased.
It cannot be tarnished or tainted.
It will not perish, it will not fade.
My love for you has become everlasting.
I know and believe that even if we do not work out as friends or relatively more, that it will always be there for me.
You and I.
I say this with an easy flowing mind and a full heart because I’ve thought about it.
I’ve thought about it long and hard.
I've thought about what you mean to me.
I've thought about what I might mean to you.
Countless nights I would lie awake:
Praying for the answers that led me right back to you,
Writing about you and for you till my thumb went numb,
Singing deeply until my eyes would begin to water because of my vivid dreams about you.
Every time you pull me in, you hold me, and you look at me.
You see me.
All of me.
It’s like you put me in a trance.
Suddenly I can’t speak, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep.
You make me want to put my phone down.
Sometimes I catch myself in your presence and I completely lose track of the time, along with my awareness of everything surrounding me.
I want you to know that someone loves you.
Someone thinks the world of you.
Someone admires you.
Someone appreciates the man that you are and more importantly the man you will become.
I want you to know that you made me want to be better for myself and that is why I fell in love with you.
You’ve taught me to show how courageous, thoughtful, attentive and diligent I can be.
You’ve shown me a world full of joy, endless laughter, beauty in even the smallest of things, and how to be patient for something that I really want.
I don’t know what the world has in store for us.
What it has in store for you.
What it has in store for me.
But all I know is that God truly blessed me, because he let me experience all that is you.
Because it's you.
You and me.
I love you.
Photography By: https://altitudecc.wordpress.com/
Another opportunity to pour my heart out to you.
Another chance to really let it all out.
One word at a time.
When it comes to you, nothing makes sense and yet everything makes sense.
There’s not one word that can really do it justice.
What it is that you do to me.
What it is that you do for me.
What it is that you make me feel.
You are insatiable.
It’s like when I’m with you I just want all of you.
Every piece of you.
Every strength and every weakness.
I want it all with you.
I find myself staring off into space periodically throughout my day just thinking about a time you made me laugh.
A time where you tackled me to the couch and we start play fighting.
A time where you wrapped your arms around me when you’re half asleep and you let me run my fingers through your hair.
A time where you just look at me and I start giggling as you proceed to shake your head in silence because you know that nothing is actually funny.
It’s like every memory with you and of you just gets better.
I feel us growing together.
Teaching each other.
Listening to each other.
I feel parts of you wanting to let me in without any form of hesitancy.
Yet I feel like we do the same exact things to each other and about each other.
We both stay silent, we both get jealous.
We both care, or at least I believe in my heart that you do.
Personally I think it’s selfish of me to want you to want what I want.
I can’t make you feel the way that I do and I wouldn’t want too.
I just wish this wasn’t so hard for me to say, “I’m in love with you, you idiot.”
But it is.
We’ve been doing so well lately that I just don’t want to ruin it.
I don’t want to risk it.
But shouldn’t I, if it means that you might feel the same way?
Shouldn’t I because you might want me too?
“Should I stay
Should I go
Should I leave
I don’t know
Photography By: Marcus Carter
Why is it that we can share these incredible moments together and then we both fall silent?
We both don’t say anything.
We both watch each other instagram stories barely, maybe a glance at your page here and there but not really.
Lately, I just feel so disconnected.
I’m starting this new chapter of my life that I so desperately want you to be a part of.
But what if you want no parts?
Have you ever thought about it like that?
From the other person's perspective?
Maybe these amazing and incredible moments are just that, moments only for me.
Maybe your perspective is entirely different and I’m just another girl in the stack.
I don’t want to be another girl for you.
How do I stand out?
How do I get you?
But then I say to myself, “Amanda stop.”
I know I am more than enough and I know what I deserve.
But does that mean I don’t get what I want?
Because what I want is us.
I want this.
You and me.
Me and you.
I know that I don’t want to see anybody else because ultimately they just don’t measure up to the man that you are to me.
The man that you have become to me.
I hate admitting this.
It makes me feel powerless, defenseless, and useless.
Like I don’t have any control.
No control over my emotions,
Over the situation,
Because truth be told: I can’t make you see me.
I can’t make you love me.
I can’t make you think I’m worthy.
So what do I do now?
Moments with you used to seem so perfect that I felt like I could handle it just being that – moments.
But now, I want more.
So what do I do now?
Do I tell you?
Maybe I’ll finally get the answer I’ve been looking for.
I wish God could send me a sign on what it is that I should do with you.
To tell you the truth.
Photography By: https://drecorrea.myportfolio.com/
Did you know that you are that somebody.
You are the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the very last thought on my mind when I fall asleep.
It’s exceedingly tragic.
Tragic that I haven’t told you how I feel about you.
Tragic that I anticipate your rejection.
Tragic that it has now become one of my worst fears.
I’ve never felt like this before
And I've never done this before, so bare with me.
You are that somebody.
You are a strong man with such a big heart.
Sometimes the love, generosity, and compassion that you show to me and to those around you is overwhelming.
It’s overwhelming to see how much I admire who you are as an individual.
It's overwhelming because I just want to give it all right back to you.
I said to you the other day that you should be proud of yourself and I meant it.
You said you wanted to do something and you did it.
and integrity are some of the many reasons I admire you.
You are that somebody.
You’ve always put yourself in a position to reach success.
I respect that.
I respect you because of how much you’ve grown.
How you set a plan in motion and executed it perfectly and modestly.
How you always look so cool so effortlessly.
How much you’ve molded yourself into a man that any woman can be proud of.
You are that somebody.
Because you inspire me everyday.
I hadn’t written anything I could be proud of in over a year, and then you came pummeling back into my life and it’s as if suddenly my life had meaning again.
I had purpose.
You give me purpose.
You inspire me to say the words I’ve never had the courage to say aloud.
You inspire me to follow my dreams, wherever they take me.
You inspire me because you’ve never been afraid to be anything but exactly who you are.
To me and for me, you will always be that somebody.
Photography By: https://www.mfentography.com/
I never meant to get tangled up in your web.
And yet, I find myself here.
Twisting and turning, trying to stretch my arms.
Trying to escape being seen as only your prey.
I’ve been caught though.
There’s no way for me to crawl out or break free.
I succumb to your very essence every single time.
I fall at your feet.
I want to hold you so tightly but I can’t outstretch my arms.
You capture me.
You send me to a place in my mind that only you have uncovered.
You fill me with complete desire, lust, infatuation and readiness for what it is that you hold in store.
I want it.
I want it so bad that I can almost taste it.
You’re always there.
Right on the tip of my tongue.
Always suffocating me in your love when we make love.
When we touch.
When we kiss.
When you slowly grip my hands as I fall into your sheets.
When you claw your nails into the small center of my back.
I feel you everywhere.
I see you in everything.
I never meant to get entangled in your sticky web.
Yet I hold onto your thread steadily.
The idea of you and me is like a riptide, the waves crashing into the sand on the beach.
It’s as if I’m here, standing on the ledge,
looking outward at the bright sky and city lights.
I’m in this moment.
It's just you and me.
Me and you.
I’m all in.
Because no matter what I do,
It always comes back to you.
Maybe I was always meant to be dangling in your web,
because I never wanted to crawl out or break free.
I never wanted to stretch my arms.
I always wanted you to capture me.
So now that you’ve caught me,
Now that you've captured me,
What are you going to do with me?
Photography By: @mindofkhalil
I woke up this morning thinking about you.
Which isn’t anything new, but it feels different.
Good and different.
We’re at a place now where I can actually enjoy every inch that makes you – you.
I love that.
The feeling I get when you pull me in.
The feeling I get when my cheeks start to hurt because I can’t stop smiling or I can’t stop laughing.
Because well you, you make me laugh.
You make me smile.
You make me get weak in the knees.
You make my heart sing short sweet lullabies while I’m making copies at work,
or riding around in my car with all four windows down and the wind striking my hair.
It’s like the feeling you get when you can finally be yourself.
You’re at peace with who you are and how it makes you feel.
I don’t really know how to explain it, but you just know.
I still get nervous when I’m standing on the steps outside of your house.
I still primp my curls, or realign my eye-shadow perfectly hoping that you might notice.
The things we do when we’re in love.
It’s crazy even just typing that.
I’ve never felt like this before.
And what's crazy is that I don’t want it to ever go away.
When you kiss me it’s like everything else just stops.
I can stay in that moment forever.
A coworker of mine told me today that her ex has cancer.
She was extremely taken aback but he said something resonating to her, “If you still love him (another ex), you should tell him.”
Why did that resonate with me?
I think it’s because I’m so afraid of telling you but I wanted to be honest.
It wasn’t really about whether or not you felt the same, it was about speaking up for the first time.
Allowing myself to be completely vulnerable to you, which is what I do only in my mind.
I think I’m ready to tell you and I will I promise.
Photography By: https://www.jealldayshoots.com/
I don’t want you to think any less of me, but I’m a coward.
I’m a coward because instead of just being honest – I stay silent in my fear, worry, and doubts about you.
I’m so afraid of you, but not like I’m scared of you.
I’m afraid of how safe I feel when I’m with you.
I’m afraid of how empty I feel when I’m not with you.
I want you to know that you changed my life forever.
No matter what the future holds, I want you to know that.
I want you to know how much you mean to me.
It’s taken me awhile to get here. To write this down, but I’m my best when I put it into words how I feel. When I put pen to paper. I don’t really know how to explain it, but it just is. I feel like I’m being selfish. I want so much from you and I don’t really think that’s fair. I feel like we are in two different places in our lives. I don’t think it’s right for me to ask you to be this man that I want because I don’t know where your heads at. Maybe if I did, it would be one thing. But, I feel like I need to get over you.
The only reason why I think it’s best is because I never did.
We ended things the last time as quickly as they had started, but really I just kept trying to fill a void that you left in my heart.
But I couldn’t, and I tried.
I really tried and now I don’t know what to do.
I have all these memories and flashbacks that are constantly racing through my mind.
My skin gets hot, chills go up and down my spine and I am left completely at will to my own vulnerability.
I keep these words and thoughts close to my heart. I never want to be afraid to say I love you, but like I said I’m a coward.
Everything about you feels right in my head and more importantly in my heart, but sometimes we’re wrong.
I’ve never wanted to be so wrong before in my life, but I can’t make you see me.
I really tried.
I can’t make you love me, and I can’t make you believe that I’m good enough for you.
You’ve never been a coward.
You’ve always been so sure, strong and brilliant.
Maybe one day, I’ll tell you.
I’ll write soon.
Photography By: https://www.arnoldfarmerphoto.com/
Copyright © 2019 AMANDAMICHELLEWATSON - All Rights Reserved.