Daily Thoughts

A Love Sonnet

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I love you. 


I love who I am when I am with you. 


I love the sound of your voice when you sing a high-note off key. 

I love when your hair gently falls in front of your face after you’ve showered. 

I love when you start to dance in your kitchen when you think nobody is watching. 

I love when you make me a fresh cup of coffee in the morning. 

I love when we listen to music together and analyze each song. 


I love when you teach me. 


I love your sky blue eyes and how they touch every part of me with just a mere glance.

I love the way you look at me, it’s as if you are seeing me for the first time. 


I loved our first date. 

I loved our second. 


I love your laugh. 

I love how you always know how to make me laugh.


I love when you let me in and break down your walls. 


I love how soft your lips are when they meet mine. 

I love how our bodies intertwine like stems to a bushel of flowers. 

I love when your hands grip onto my waist, thighs and you how you hold me with complete strength. 


I love you even when I’m mad at you. 

I love you even when I don’t want to talk to you. 

I love you even when I’m sad just thinking about you. 

I love you even though I’m almost certain that you don’t really love me. 


I love you because of how driven you are.

I love you because of how confident you are.

I love you because of how stubborn you are. 

I love you because of how hard you work. 


& I think I’ve always loved you. 

I think I always will. 

I fell in love with you. 

I love you because of who you are. 

I love you because I now know what love is. 


Photography By:  @i_am_him__  

Harsh Realities

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  Have you ever experienced a harsh reality? 

You know when the reality kicks in that everything isn’t what you thought it was or what you had intended it to be. 


I went through this occurrence this past weekend. Sometimes people mean the best, but their words cut deep like a knife. 

 When someone tells you the truth or their perspective on a situation, it can be difficult to hear and even more painful to comprehend.  

I’m sure this man had the best of intentions, but his execution was hard to swallow. 

The harsh reality followed into a moment of complete confusion, exhaustion and open-ended questions. 


Because the reality of the situation is: 

What are we? 

Do you have any idea? 

What are we doing? 

Do I mean anything to you at all? 

And if I don’t, then should I walk away? 

Do you love me? 

Can I walk away? 

Can I be strong enough this time to stay away for good? 


Sometimes the answers to these questions are what makes these realities we face so harsh. 

The harsh reality that we may not be right for each other. 

The harsh reality that if you wanted me then you would show it, right? 

The harsh reality that even after everything I still want you. 

The harsh reality that I'm too afraid to say I love you. 


I constantly put my feelings in the back of my mind as a means of self-preservation. 

I think my worst fear is that if I did actually tell you how I felt, and you still didn’t love me – well wouldn’t that be the harshest reality.  


Photography By:  @mymomcallsmecam 

At a Crossroads: Which Path Would you take

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 Have you ever been at a crossroads in your life? 

A standstill?

Have you been in a position where you were offered a do-over, re-do, or another opportunity to do something differently – would you take it? 


I found myself here.

I found myself with another chance to start over with you. 


However, you start to recognize a familiar pattern: the early warning signs, the messages, the phone calls, and suddenly it hits you – you’ve been here before. You’ve been exactly here with this person. If you could change or alter the circumstances in which you two met, interacted, maybe even fell in love or fell out of love – would you? I find myself asking these questions a lot more than I would have ever anticipated. Because there you are. You came back and now I’m at a standstill in the middle of two roads. I know that I love you and that my heart finds comfort, solace, gratitude, lust and joy within you. 

On the other hand, I’m hesitant. Often distant at times, hard to reach, and unable to communicate or properly express to you how I feel and what I feel about you. 


Has anyone else experienced this? 


In front of me is a man who makes me feel so many different things at once that I don’t even know what to make sense of it. 

I wonder if he knows. 

I wonder if he can sense my feeling of queasy, uneasiness around him. 

I wonder if he can see how my face lights up after he brews me fresh cup of coffee the morning after, every giggle or in my case cackle, every gentle touch, when he stops, pauses before taking the keys out of the ignition, and proceeds to dance in the car with me. 

I wonder. 


Truth be told: I’m at a crossroads primarily with myself. I never told him the truth. I never expressed my deep love and admiration for who he is as a person. For the man that he has become. How could I now? So much time has passed and even though he’s here – I’m often hesitant, distant at times, hard to reach and always unable to communicate or properly express to you how I feel and what is it that I feel about you. I thought I had been in love before, maybe I was in the sense of having actual love for a person. But I had never really been in love until I met you. As cliché as this sounds, I knew from the very first moment I spent with you. In fact, I have a scar from our first date, (quite literally) it never healed and neither did my heart. 


When I lost you the first time, I ached for you. I had never done that before. Sure, we all get upset when things don’t go our way, or when a relationship or friendship quickly crashes and proceeds to burn shamelessly, but I didn’t realize what it meant to genuinely every single day be down and out about a person. I was knee-deep in my sadness, and then I had a moment. 

A moment of silence. 

A moment of clarity. 

A moment of acceptance.

 There’s a quote that I love from this movie titled 17 Again, “If I love you, I should let you move on.” Sometimes we have to let the people we love move on, even if that means without us. I had to stop being selfish. I had to reflect and say to myself, “if it was meant to be – it would be, and maybe it just isn’t.” As soon as I had let myself become content with the idea of you not being here: there you are. I write these words with a heavy, happy and apprehensive mind. I had only phathomed your return. I pictured myself taking each road and considering each possible outcome, but yet I still haven’t moved. I want to tell you the truth, but I’m so happy that you’re here that I don’t want to push you away again. Maybe that’s selfish, but even if he is here for all the wrong reasons – he still came back. And now that he’s back…let’s just say if you were me and you had my two choices, two paths – you would know why it’s so hard to determine which path to take.


Photography By:  https://www.terencedanielsphotography.com/ 


I wouldn't call it a poem

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about you and what it is that you mean to me. 

Lately, I can’t describe it – but I hate it. 

I hate feeling like I can’t fully be myself because I’ve been in denial. 

Denial about you. 

Denial about you and me. 

Denial about what it is we are to each other. 


I have so many questions for you. 

And yet I stay silent always. 

I can’t help it. 

I’m so afraid of you. 

I'm afraid of you and the way you make me feel. 

I’m afraid of the feeling that you have always given me – hope. 


You make me feel like I can do anything or be anything that I want to be. 

Openly and effortlessly. 

Yet I stay reserved, timid. 


I can’t let you know how I feel because it’s too dangerous. 

It’s dangerous because I have a discerning intuition that you don’t feel the same. 

I’m afraid of that rejection, but on the other-hand I await it. 

Why is that? 


I think it’s because you’ve always seemed too good to be true. 

How every part of my body gets chills when I prepare to see you. 

How I can easily place my hand on my stomach and feel the butterflies swirling around in circles. 

How I physically have to fight the urge to smile at you when you poke fun at me and my annoying quirks. 

How I have to force myself not look into your ocean blue eyes that contain a hint of lime green right in the center which has always kept me perfectly aligned. 


I guess I just wanted more. 

I wanted more for us. 

And I wanted us more than I wanted anything. 

Now, I’m not so sure. 


It could be my fear, 

It could be my doubts.

It could be my worries about how you might act and react. 

But really I know it’s this feeling in my head that maybe it really is too good to be true. 

I would love to call you mine, even if it was just for a day. 

And yet I stay silent as always. 


Photography By: Marcus Carter

mad.

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I'm so fucking mad. 

Mad at myself mostly for allowing you to become my center. 

Again.

When I was never yours. 

Why do we do this? 

Why do we over analyze and over compensate for the lack of love and attention we want to receive? 

Maybe, it has nothing to do with us.


 I once wrote, "maybe we shouldn't be mad at the people we love, because maybe they were never taught how to love properly." I still believe that to be true, but I've also seen my own parents. Both products of broken homes and still manage to give an abundance of compassion, kindness, and love to all those they encounter. Let's not justify bad behavior, but rather understand and recognize your own value. I fail to do this time and time again. I let myself become completely consumed with the idea that I need to be and seem perfect. I'm not and most people can see that, but I try to hide my self-doubt in the best way that I can. I guess we all do - don't we? We all want to give off a perception that we have everything together and if not, it's a slow work in progress. For me, I wish that were true. In all other aspects of my life it seems like I've finally gotten back on the right track and then you show up. 

Suddenly, I feel weak and powerless again. 

Suddenly, I feel like I'm unworthy. 

Suddenly, I feel like maybe I don't deserve good things. 


I'm so fucking mad. 

Mad at you too. 

Mainly for crashing into my world like nothing I had ever seen before.

For making everything with us so damn complicated. 

I'm so tired of trying to make you see me. 

Trying to make you value me. 

Trying to make you appreciate me. 

Trying to make you love me. 

Again. 

When you never did. 

So why do I keep doing this? 



The Art of Communicating

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I think we all fail to really communicate with one another. You would think in a world so technologically advanced that we would actually be able to understand each other better. Maybe that's where the word irony is derived from. It's just kind of ironic. I am the poster child for not communicating properly and it would seem simply ironic and also 'moronic' (a little play on words for ya) because I majored in Communication Studies at Mount St. Mary's University. So - you see what I mean? 


We all want to be seen and heard, but maybe we are unclear in our general approach. I listen and observe, but I used to react so poorly. My reactions would stem from immediate stimulation. I would instantly always act before thinking, I couldn't tell you why - maybe it was my own bad force of habit. I've learned that it isn't necessarily about the action, but more so your reaction to your surroundings. I often don't say how I truly feel, but that's mainly because of my own transparent fears, doubts and worries. I fell in love with a man and I never told him. I longed for him, waited for him, prayed about him and for him. There was a day where he left my life and I had accepted that notion. I genuinely believe that some people leave their mark and we keep moving forward. Now, he has returned. I didn't communicate my feelings properly then, so how do I do that now? 


I think I waited too long to tell him how I felt. Time has a way of making a decision for us, without us. It's not that I'm completely afraid of the outcome, but honestly it's just hard to let it go. I waited so long and hoped for his return, now that he has - I just don't think I'm the same woman he left behind. I'm stronger now, I had to become more patient with myself and my time. I titled this "The Art of Communicating" because we essentially don't. We do a bad service to ourselves and the people we care about by not telling them how we feel, opening ourselves up to loyalty and love, and freeing our minds of these simple insecurities we each have. Maybe as the world changes, we do too. Maybe the next time I won't wait so long to tell the next man I love how I feel. Maybe it'll make all the difference. 


Photography By: ynkw_raw




Not a Poem, Just a Memory

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 It was one of those days.
It was a best friend day.
You know the days: where you and your best friend or friends just enjoy every second of the comfort, insanity,
and the melodramatic cinema matinee showing that is your friendship.
Catering to it, immersing in it - but not in the bad ways, in every good way.
That means having your favorite foods present, retail therapy and of course the rom com's that everybody sheds a tear at.
We had one of those days, I was feeling sad and you let me wallow.
You protected me from my sadness, you didn't let it overwhelm me.
You listened to me and my crazy theories about relationships and why they don't work out.
I could tell that you were sad but you tried to bury it.
You and I, that's what we did.
We stayed silent in our pain.
We didn't have too, we could've fought it. Fought it out loud.
I know that now.
Instead, we did what we loved.
We sang our hearts out.
We danced, well you danced and I swayed off key, off beat.
We laughed so hard we'd cry.
We laughed so hard, we almost forgot that the world was a lesser place than we had hoped it would be.
We made each other laugh.
It was like we were when we were just kids on the playground.
You knew me, and I knew you.
We had each other, we were untouchable.
Goofing off, enjoying the moment.
Like we could just stay kids for one more day.
I didn't know it would be one of our last moments together.
If I had known that...
What would I say?
Would it, could it ever be what you gave to me? 

My Tribute to You

 "I loved her. 

I loved her so much. 

And I ask her everyday why she did what she did, but I get no answers. 

She took those with her when she left. Leaving me, leaving all of us - angry, empty and confused. 

And I know that hurt won't ever go away, but there will come a day where I don't feel it everyday. 

And the anger won't be so hot. 

And the other feelings will fade. 

And I'll be left with only love. 

A good friend once said, "I can love you and still let you go." 

So Hannah, I love you and I let you go. 

I miss you. 

And I hope that wherever you go next, you feel peace, you feel safe. 

In a way that you never did here.

Wherever you go next, I hope you know that I love you." 


- Clay, 13 Reasons Why