You Weren't The Good Guy

 It's 2:30 am on a Saturday night, and you ask me a simple yet stupid question:

 "If you had one wish what would it be?" 

I lied.

I wish I never met you.

I wish I never got caught up in your bullshit. 

You know what I hate more than a man who tells you directly that he doesn't want you - 

a man that pretends to be the good guy. 

You weren't the good guy. 

You aren't the good guy. 

You just pretended to be. 

For what?

To get inside my pants?

Or to get inside my heart?

I can't stand that.

I had balance and stability and then you showed up. 

Ruined everything.

Ruined my self esteem.

Ruined my confidence. 

But it's okay because I know now.

I mean it's not really okay, but it will be.

I wish I kept my guard up. 

You didn't deserve to know me.

The parts of me that I keep hidden for safe keeping.

You didn't deserve to know my heart.

And yet, I let you in time and time again.

But I am relieved, because I know now. 

Well at first I wasn't relieved, but it finally makes sense.

You weren't the good guy.

You aren't the good guy.

That's just what you wanted me to believe.

When your heart breaks it almost feels like the end of the world, 

but it isn't. 

In fact, it's just the beginning. 

I am rewriting my story.

One without you in it. 

Because you tainted it.

The image of you I had in my mind and in my heart. 

But it'll be fine, because I know now. 

I mean it's not fine, but it will be eventually. 

Photography By:  https://altitudecc.wordpress.com/ 

 "...Standing on my balcony
Looking at the sky, 

Thinking it could all be mine
All we got is memories, 

So what the fuck is time?" 

When Mac wrote that, 

I didn't realize how much it would mean to me until now. 

What does time mean to you? 

Do you even know? 

And if you do, is your time being well spent? 

Is it being spent doing the things that you love?

Or is it with the people who make your smile just a little bit brighter

or your laugh just a little bit louder?

I don't think we mean too,

 but I've realized that we take our time with one another for granted. 

I guess we just assume that we'll always have more time. 

Another day.

Another opportunity to make things right. 

To make things better. 

More time here

or 

More time there. 

More time with each other.

Are you a product of your past or your present? 

Are you collectively made through your daily experiences

 or interactions with other people?

I don't think we meant too,

 but I recognized that we fall short of being the people

 that we intended to be. 

Too much has happened. 

Too much was taken. 

I guess we just assume that we'll have another chance. 

Another day.

Another opportunity.

Another chance to do things differently. 

To make things better instead of worse. 

More time here 

and 

More time there. 

I guess I just thought I had more time with you.

What does time mean to you?

Do you even know? 

Do you have the slightest inclination of what it might be?

And if you do, is your time being well spent? 

Is it spent enjoying the things that make you the happiest? 

Or is it in the comfort and solace

 of the people who make you feel the strongest? 

I guess more time together wasn't the answer. 

".... standing on my balcony
Looking at the street, thinking it could all be mine
All we got is memories, so what the fuck is time?

I don't know...."

Photography By:  https://www.terencedanielsphotography.com/ 

I love you. 

I love who I am when I am with you. 

I love the sound of your voice when you sing a high-note off key. 

I love when your hair gently falls in front of your face after you’ve showered. 

I love when you start to dance in your kitchen when you think nobody is watching. 

I love when you make me a fresh cup of coffee in the morning. 

I love when we listen to music together and analyze each song. 

I love when you teach me. 

I love your sky blue eyes and how they touch every part of me with just a mere glance.

I love the way you look at me, it’s as if you are seeing me for the first time. 

I loved our first date. 

I loved our second. 

I love your laugh. 

I love how you always know how to make me laugh.

I love when you let me in and break down your walls. 

I love how soft your lips are when they meet mine. 

I love how our bodies intertwine like stems to a bushel of flowers. 

I love when your hands grip onto my waist, thighs and you how you hold me with complete strength. 

I love you even when I’m mad at you. 

I love you even when I don’t want to talk to you. 

I love you even when I’m sad just thinking about you. 

I love you even though I’m almost certain that you don’t really love me. 

I love you because of how driven you are.

I love you because of how confident you are.

I love you because of how stubborn you are. 

I love you because of how hard you work. 

& I think I’ve always loved you. 

I think I always will.

 I fell in love with you. 

I love you because of who you are. 

I love you because I now know what love is. 

I have no idea what you could possibly want from me. 

After all this time, I’m still unsure. 

I’m still timid. 

I’m still undecided. 

I’m still just as confused as I was last year. 

I have no idea what you could possibly see in me. 

We fight. 

We disagree. 

We don’t really argue, 

but we don’t really say anything either. 

After all this time, I’m still nervous. 

I’m still trying. 

I'm still trying to impress you. 

I'm still trying to woo you.

I’m still hoping I can be everything that you could want and need. 

But you hurt me. 

You hurt me without even realizing it. 

You can come off so abrasive and harsh, 

without warning or any inclination. 

I don't deserve it. 

I'm not your punching bag.

You say things without understanding that they resonate with me. 

Your words can cut deep, like a short but sharp blade. 

The blood starts rushing, gushing, pouring. 

I can't stop the bleeding. 

And suddenly,

I begin to question everything. 

The things I know, 

the things I had hoped for, 

the things I had dreamed of. 

You make me question everything.

Why? 

Why can’t you just let me in? 

Why can't you just let me all the way in? 

Not even a little? 

It’s not fair. 

I tell you when I’m hurt or anxious and you just don’t tell me anything. 

How are we supposed to evolve? 

How are we supposed to grow?

How are we supposed to heal – if you don’t let me in? 

Sometimes I just feel so close to you,

and at other times it’s like I barely know you.

But I’m not your punching bag anymore.

You can’t just throw blow after blow without any backlash. 

Without any reasoning. 

Or without any consequence.

Take your gloves off.

Relax your hands. 

Ease your mind.

And just breathe.

I’m not your enemy. 

I’m not your opponent. 

I’m your friend. 

And even though I have no possible idea what you could want from me, 

I love you. 

I'm still here.

And after all this time, you should just know. 

Photography By:  Carlisha Shanae 

In the last decade...

Well... 

In the last decade I've lost myself 

through broken people 

hopeless dreams, 

all while I found myself floating 

among my ancestors away at sea. 

In the last decade I retraced my steps

in order to find my way back home. 

In the last decade, 

all of my true fears about life became known.

In the last decade I fell in love with the idea of you,

only to be reminded of what I already knew.

You had me on a cloud, 

Singing brightly, 

heavenly, 

only to be torn down,

ripped apart,

and yanked out 

of that crystal blue cloud. 

In the last decade, I lost sight of my dreams 

because of the constant negativity of those surrounding me. 

In the last decade, I found myself straying away 

from the things I once loved. 

Because to you, I was always,

and still could never be enough.

In the last decade I've grown more comfortable with myself 

and more resilient to self-doubt. 

I no longer carry that dead weight, 

I don't even have to shout. 

Things take time. 

In order to heal properly, 

process gradually, 

forgive passionately,

love unconditionally, 

self-evaluate,

and meditate. 

In the last decade...

What have you done?

What has changed? 

Is it you? 

Is it the people around you? 

Is it your state of mind? 

Are you new and improved?

A part of me is old, 

while other half of me feels brand new. 

It's like a fresh pair of sneakers:

my laces tied,

double-knotted to perfection, 

my heels arched, 

hearts pounding at a specific rate,

my mind is keeping an exact pace,

because I've been ready to start the big race. 

A part of me has been here before, 

while the other half is in desperate need of directions. 

It's almost as if I recognize 

these common roadways,

the simple greenery, 

colorful pastures, 

with average street signs,

and vintage-framed houses. 

Meanwhile the other side of me is 

unfamiliar to this particular fairway.

These unknown streets have made me jittery, 

with untold gestures, 

crooked road lines,

filled with cunning people 

and their peculiar spouses. 

Maybe in this new decade...

We can begin a new chapter, 

a new conquest, 

because let's be frank 

and let's be honest -

we have absolutely idea of what's next,

what lies ahead. 

Maybe in this new decade...

We can really let go of the past, 

The broken promises, 

stupid lies,

endless mistakes, 

and all the things that did not seem to last. 

Forgive yourself, 

release the tension

that ultimately surrounds you, 

and take a deep breath. 

Now.

Look to your right 

and then to your left. 

Do you feel it? 

We're headed north, 

The sky is our only limit. 

Photography By: @spencer_charles 

As the sun begins to set, 

I feel the heat warm up the left side of my cheek and I think of you. 

I think about where you might be, 

maybe with who, 

but most importantly if you’re happy. 

If you are living through each day with your head held high, because you deserve it. 

If it’s anyone I’ve ever known who deserves to be completely, totally and utterly happy – its you. 

It’s always been you. 

I lie awake at night counting down the seconds, minutes, hours until I can start the day. 

I need to keep myself preoccupied because if I don’t – well, you consume all of my thoughts. 

The last thing I need to be is left alone with my thoughts.

It’s already difficult for me to express how I feel, 

let alone deal with the empty spaces and empty pages that only you can fill. 

I finally admitted it to you. 

I can’t believe I did that. 

I am left completely vulnerable to my own words. 

My own feelings.

Now, where do we go from here. 

We had a moment, a bad moment together. 

I didn’t like it, it didn’t make me feel good. 

It didn’t sit well in the pit of my stomach, and I know it didn’t for you. 

I have to be cautious around you. 

Not in the sense of I can’t be myself, but I just have to remember that you and I – well we’re working on things. 

And if we’re working, that means it’s not just me anymore. 

That includes you. 

All of you. 

Whether you are with me and in my immediate presence or not. 

I hate how we really don’t tell each other how we feel, 

I mean we do and yet we don’t. 

Sometimes we say it in a passive or joking manner, but it isn’t without seriousness. 

I’m just so confused about you. 

What to do with you, how to approach you, 

how to just speak to you when I really want too. 

I just don’t really know anymore. 

So where do we go from here?

Photography By:  afarmerphoto96 

 Dear Mphatso (Pronounced *pot-so*), 

I miss you. 

I miss you everyday and that shit hurts. 

That shit hurts because I just want to talk. 

But I can’t, so instead I’ll write it out to you. 

I want to listen to your advice just one last time. 

I want to hear your mind calculate, hard at work with how you process, analyze and evaluate the crazy shit storm that is my life. 

I want to tell you about this boy who’s got my world spinning at 360 degrees always. 

I want to tell you that I’m scared. 

I’m scared because he’s got a part of me. 

A part of me that only he has. 

A part of me that only he has been able to unlock.

A part of me that only he can unleash. 

Do you get that? 

Do you understand that feeling?

Have you had that feeling? 

When you can’t shake the constant feeling of just pure restlessness.

I’m restless because I haven’t slept in months. 

I’m restless because I can never get just one moment of peace without you on my mind. 

I can never stop myself from wondering where you are, what you’re doing and if you’re happy. 

I’m restless because I love you and I don’t know how to tell you. 

I’m restless because I await patiently until the next opportunity I get to show you how much I care,

how much I want this to work, 

how much I want you. 

I’m restless because I’ve been running scared. 

Running scared from the idea of you. 

Running scared from you. 

Running scared from this. 

Running scared from us. 

A good friend asked me, “well, what if he feels the same way?” 

Is it sad and pathetic that the actual possibility of you accepting me and my love never crossed my mind?

I just wanted you to know. 

It never occurred to me that you could feel the same way. 

I didn’t want it too. 

I didn’t want to become hopeful again. 

You know, like I was before. 

Because I let myself get close to you the last time and you walked away from me. 

I’m not saying that I didn’t deserve it. 

I’m just saying it broke me. 

All of me. 

Piece by piece. 

Inch by inch. 

Every part of me longed for you. 

Every part of me missed you. 

Every part of me loved you. 

I cried about you more in a year than I ever have in my entire life. 

Like I had said before I never knew what it meant to genuinely be down and out about a person every single day. 

Just hearing your name brought up in conversation, 

the sound of your voice, 

your captivating blue eyes would just set my whole world back on fire. 

Have you been here, Mphatso? 

Can you help me? 

Because I don’t know what to do anymore.

I don’t know where to go from here. 

I need my friend.

I need my sister.

I think I need you now more than I ever have before. 

Can you lead me? 

Because wherever you go, I’ll follow. 

Can you point me in the right direction? 

Because I know you know which way is up. 

I just miss you. 

And I really just wish I could hear your advice one last time.